Not Just Tofu

So Hard to Jumpstart

In Editorial on January 5, 2012 at 6:40 pm

The New Year has begun! Even with all the hoopla about resolutions, I just can’t get myself moving in the right direction.  For example, I didn’t get out of bed until 8am because my kids didn’t have to go to school today.  On my list of resolutions, getting up and going to the gym was in the top 5.  After accepting the fact that I was not going to the gym, I thought maybe I should eat a healthy breakfast.  Instead I ate a handful of chocolate drizzled pretzels, a cup of hot cocoa and a cup of juice before having a homemade egg and vegetable breakfast taco. Another resolution still not accomplished is reading and prayers in the morning.  I got up, used the bathroom and watched the morning news.  Honestly, I don’t know if it being a new year is enough to change bad habits.

Everyone craves to be a better person especially for the new year but I think the need should come from a more personal place.  For instance, I was diagnosed with Lupus, an autoimmune disease, in 2011 and in my research 2 of the best ways to fight symptoms are to change my diet and to exercise.  My diagnosis sparked me to change my eating habits, hence becoming a pescatarian, but not to exercise.  For one, I am usually too tired to workout or in too much pain to move.  Not taking care of myself will only worsen my case of Lupus but it still hasn’t been enough to get me to move.  As personal as that reason is to change, I still have to dig deeper.

As a mother, I feel guilty that I am not setting a better example for my kids.  I fell even worse when they are not a good enough reason for me to remember to take my medication or to stick to my diet.  You hear parents all the time say that they want to be around for their kids and that is why they decide to fight.  I want to be around for my kids but still it isn’t enough. Not to say that they are not important but at this time in my life I am not so sick where I can’t be their mom.  If symptoms aren’t in full swing, I put Lupus to the back of my mind and live in the moment.  Denial is another hurdle that prevents me from making changes. Because I don’t wake up thinking I am sick, I don’t think about it at all. When I feel the pain there is not denying that it is real and I have to deal with it.

I am being so honest that it scares me.  How has all this open heart mumbojumbo changed your opinion of me?  Maybe you think that I am just lazy.  Some may say that I am stuck in a rut.  My friends may change the way they look at me.  I think that most of you will identify with me that it is hard to start.  It takes 21 days to make a change; is today day 1?

I confessed to Alvin last night that I haven’t taken my medication for over a month.  Crazy thing is that I wish I did.  For the last 3 weeks I have had rheumatoid arthritis in my left ring finger and destroyed my wedding rings by cutting them off.  Scared that I won’t be able to wear my wedding rings, whenever I get my new ones, I took my medication last night and this morning.  Typing this article, my hands aren’t moving like they use to which is another reason why I will take another dose tonight.  Feeling like crap even though it is my day off motivates another reason to make some changes.  Having the simplest joy removed from my life due to pain is today’s reason for making a step in a healthier direction. 

I have not totally jump started, but I am honest about the fact that I am not where I want to be.  Hating to be a failure, 2012 gives me 365 or 360(today is the 5th) chances to live today better.   So I will try yoga, I will plan my meals and I will take time to pray and reflect.  There will be no treadmills or P90X in my future, let’s be realistic. This year I am gonna try the holistic approach…yoga…green tea and meditation.  Jumpstart is the wrong word and so is resolution, I think revelation is more appropriate because I now realize why and how I MUST make changes in my life for a better me.

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